


All the Overwatch heroes get kinder eggs

by sashakate



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Kinder Eggs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 18:53:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8726284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sashakate/pseuds/sashakate
Summary: Reinhardt brings love and fun to the people of Overwatch. Naturally, mayhem and chaos ensue. V V crackey don't take seriously.





	

It was high noon on a fine may, and everyone had gathered as per Reinhardt’s request. Things were meant to be in a state of emergency, but there wasn’t a single sign of anything outside of the ordenary. That was until the door shattered into a bajillion pieces, sending shrapnel flying in all directions. From behind the wreckage sprung a man in a massive suit of armor. With a giant sack hung over his shoulder in a way which resembles Old Saint Nick. It was Reinhardt charging through the door.

 

“I’VE BROUGHT YOU Y’ALL DRAGON EGGS!!!!!!!!!” He shouted at the top of his lungs.

 

By this time literally everyone has a weapon that is pointed at him. Widowmaker and Pharah had both retreated to areas with height advantage.Hanzo tried to run up a wall,but failed, hit is head on the ceiling and just slid down the wall with dishonor. Which his brother gets a lot of amusment out of. It was really good that Reinhardt put his sheild up, or else he would have been screwed ten ways to friday. 

 

The sound of the large man clearing his throat can be heard throughout the room “THEY HAVE AMAZING PRIZES IN THEM!!!!!!!AND THEY ARE DELICIOUS TOO” He shouted at the top of his lungs. 

 

For like 10 minutes no one dares to say a word. The silence is broken by Reaper saying in a soft voice “Sorry dude…..”

 

“So what exactly do you have for us old friend?” Mercy says in her perfect voice.

 

“LINE UP AND FIND OUT!!!!!!” He shouts at the top of his lungs replying. 

 

Everyone moves into something which somewhat resenmeibles a line exept where the heck is Sombra. Junkrat cuts in front of roadhog while yelling “This is the most fun I’ve had in weeks!” .Roadhog is like “Hey, that was my place.”  
Sombra takes advantage of the distraction and places her self in the very front of the line with the use of her thermoptic camo. This pissed Symettra the fuck off.  
“You all can’t even get in a line properly!” her entire face turns red.

 

“YOU SEEM LIKE YOU REALLY WANT A DRAGON EGG SOMBRA! HERE YOU GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He shouts at the top of his lungs even though she was like 2 feet away from him.

 

He goes in the line and passes everyone their suprise; a kinder egg. Though there must be a meistake, Bastion, Genji and Zenyatta didn’t recieve a single thing. When he got to Bastion, he sadly beeped, as if to ask why he didn’t get one.

 

“Oh my mccfreaking lord.” Mccree yells “Those there are death traps! In the good U.S.of A they are illegal! Do you know how many youngins’ died from ‘em!! We must cleanse the room of their dern evil!!!!!”

 

“I think you may be exaggerating the danger of the situation. I should know, in all my years in the medical field I have never encountered a single injury from them.” Mercy chimes in.

 

“My cousins, bestfriends, uncle choked on one of them and died,you insensitive little! They are more evil than Reaper!- Wait why was he even invited?” Mccree states. 

 

“At least he wasn’t invited here and given false hope…” Genji angsts.”  
私は本当に愚かなので、私は本当に愚かな私は1つを取得しないのでサイボーグisntそれは私が欲しいのでチョコレートを食べることができるように使用されていました” he japaneses. 

 

Hanzo silently facepalms. 

 

“Be still my student, one must meditate away the temptation.” Zenyatta attempts to comfort his ninja cyborg friend.

 

“Sore wa kinder egg desu!!” Genji replies!

 

The robo gang ft.Genji sadly moves to a corner of the room. Zenyatta meiditates. Torbjörn, Zarya and Junkrat all laugh at them loudly. 

 

“Fareeha darling, do you remember how much you used to love these? You and I would play with the toys for hours. Your little face and hands would get completely covered in chocolate! Good thing Mommy always brings wetwipes. I have some with me just incase.” Ana says to her daughter.

 

“Before you bring up the potty training story again….” Pharah replies, using her suit to break through the roof and fly the fuck away. 

 

“Its one of my favorite stories…” Ana pouts.

 

“Nobody wants to hear it.” Reaper says, everyone in the room nods in agreement. 

 

Winston just kinda stands there “Okay real talk guys, can I even eat chocolate…?”

 

He doesn’t recieve an answer, but thankfully Widowmaker has the perfect monolauge planned out “ My husband and I used to eat Kinder eggs…. He always loved the little surpises. We always talked about how someday we would buy them for our children. I blew his brains out! I don’t feel anything.” 

 

“My brother also had a rediculious fondness for those things….I killed him too. Highfive?” Hanzo says, putting his hand up. They both have a muderous highfive.

 

“I’m not dead!” Genji says from the corner of the room.

 

“Quit whining or you will be.” Reaper threatens.

 

“Come on guys! Its not cool to threaten eachother when there is kinder eggs to be had!” Lucio says happily.

 

“ Lets get eating then loves!” Tracer happily cheers.

 

“Wait, have you guys not heard how Tracer gets when she has a lot of sugar? 씨발  
D.va says.

 

“It’ll be fine!” The speedster reassures them. 

 

“Unwrapping things is for wimps!” Zarya says, throwing the whole candy, toy and all into her mouth, she swollows it without any issues. 

 

“Healers be on guard!”Mccree mccassandras. 

 

Almost everyone doesn’t take him seriously. 

 

Symettra decides to weigh in “ You know what he is right. What is with these things? Random toys? Its utterly chaotic.”

 

No one takes her seriously either. 

 

Sombra was horrified that Widowmaker had yet to do anything with the egg. The blue lady was staring the the egg shaped egg, probably contemplating another monologue or someithing. The hecker takes this as an invitation, once again she dissapears to snatch the candy away from miss spider goggles. 

 

“Maybe I would care if I could feel anything.” Widowmaker shrugs. 

 

“You really aren’t going to fight? Its way more exciting than boring old Kinder eggs.” Reaper grumps.

 

“Oi mates whats this round yellow thing in the middle?” Junkrat asks.

 

“You really don’t know?” Meircy asks.

 

“This darn world would be a better place if y’all didn’t know about the sin eggs of choking.” Mccree says.

 

“Plus 2 to chocking stat!” D.va says with a wink. 

 

“Really though what are they?” Junkrat asks once again.

 

“It has toys and games inside! Luckily I got a game- wait what? This must be cheating? This can’t be that hard!” D.va keeps on sliding tiles without sucess. 

 

Winston looks over at her sympatheticlly. “I got a puzzle…...my hands are too big for it.”

 

The trashrodent opens it up “ Hey I got a rocket!” He stares at it transfixed.He makes it fly through the air making whooshing sounds, enjoying it more than any adult man should. “ Hey Roadie come over ‘ere and play!~” Roadhog grumbles, but doesn’t want to let him down, he brings his toy over and the two get completely sucked into their little game.

 

Lucio looked over to the robot corner and saw how sad everyone seemed to be. He skates over and drops his toy infront of them.  
“No reason you guys shouldn’t be able to join in on the fun.”

 

Bastion and Genji eye it for a good minute. They both reach out their hand at the same time, and glare at one another. Bastion makes alarmed beeping sounds. “The toy is mine!” The ninja says. Zenyatta says “ These Kinder eggs will lead only to pain.”

 

Bastion makes an even more alarmed beeping sounds, and shifts into turret mode as if he were threatening Genji. But the green guy wasn’t phased by it. They both put their metalic hands on it at the same time. “I won’t let you have it!” Genji yells.   
“BEEPBEEP BOOP!!!!!” the turret yells in responce. 

 

Reaper strolls on over to mock the two. He dangles his toy infront of their faces “You want it, you want it?” He chuckles throwing it under the heel of his shoes, he crushes it,and takes a few steps back, he unloads a whole clip into the broken pieces of plastic. “DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Hanzo notices what a baby his brother is acting like. He walks over and throws his toy on his brother face. “Some of us are too old for childrens toys.” He brags. Genjis flips him off as he walks away.   
Off in another part of the room Torjborn can be heard scolding Lucio of giving the heaping piles of metal a toy. 

 

Tracer nyooms around the room, literally boucing off of the walls, and roof. By this time both Mccree and Symettra had crafted “Down with kinder” Signs. And they were chanting catchey slogans against the candy.

 

There was one single person who had been so busy observing the youngins’ that he hadn’t even touched his yet. Soldier 76 slowly and dramaticlly unwrapped his candy. He breaks it in half, and slowly consumes it peice by piece. But what he had failed to realise, is that there is a little orange capsule inside. Which promptly gets stuck in his windpipe. The horrible choking sounds he makes alerts the whole room, and everyone instantly goes silent. 

 

Most of the healers rush over to him.  
Genji shoves Zenyatta “You are needed master!”  
He quickly rushes over. “Okay so who is going to help him?” Lucio asks?  
“I don’t know!” Ana yells.  
“One of us HAS to do something!” Mercy replies.  
At the exact same time all of the healers use their abilities on him. It doesn’t help in the slightest.

 

“Y’all know that healing can’t get something lodged out of someones throat right?” Mccree mcsasses. 

 

The healers kinda stare at eachother with panic. And he goes down. Jack Morrision is fricken dead. 

 

“I told you y’all this would happen! Those there things are pure evil. Someone was fixin’ to die. Its a real shame. Next time listen to my wise words.” Mccree says.

 

“This is a learning expirence for all of us.” Zenyatta enlightens.   
Mercy shrugs and revives him. 

 

“You youngsters can’t do anything right” 76 grumbles.

 

“I’M SO GLAD THAT MY EGGS ALL BROUGHT US TOGETHER LIKE THIS!” Reinhardt yells at the top of his lungs.


End file.
